Moving on

Finally today we can close the door to our first IVF attempt.  After tracking beta levels for the past full month, my HCG levels have now returned to zero.  ZERO....  I'm still heartsick realizing it didn't work out, my mind keeps going back to that precious few days we were told to celebrate.  This must be what it feels like to look back on one's wedding day as your signing divorce papers years later.  It's this sad cloud of longing and regret thinking of what could have been. I find myself turning off certain songs or shows, avoiding that aisle in the store if I turn down and see a baby, tucking away friends on Facebook celebrating beautiful baby beginnings.  My God, even just now I got heartburn and thought, I wish I had it because I was pregnant.  Pathetic. I guess it'll take some time to stop feeling these emotions.  Grieving is to be expected.  Whoever thought the process would be this cruel, this unfair - not I.

I'm starting to feel like we're getting back to normal, picking up the other aspects of life, which has been so refreshing.  Phil's headed out on a fishing trip for a few days.  I'm working tomorrow's elections with a few girlfriends.  I had a lovely night of wine and spirits this past weekend with my neighbors. Relaxed in the hot tub.  Accepted an invitation to a birthday party.  Simple, every day things. 
We'll get back in the game sometime later this year for the FET.  I'm not nailing down any dates or details.  Not arranging my social calendar around it.  It'll come when it comes.